So, because I had a final yesterday morning at 7:30, I pulled an all-nighter from Wednesday into Thursday. The final wasn't too bad, but there was one question out of five that had me slightly stumped. I'm hoping I tiptoed my way around it well enough. I also finished with European Drama. We had to give a one-minute final "manifesto" for theatre. Mine was probably the absolute most boring, but I did it from the perspective of being an audience member. Most of the class did really garish performance pieces. If you ask me, less than half of them actually accomplished the task of saying something about theatre, but they were all pretty much entertaining.
After my classes were done, I sat in Washington Square Park with Emma, Meredith, and David for a while, as it was a really beautiful day. We observed a crazy breakdance guy and countless dogs and kids. At 5, I went to a caller banquet for NYU Phonathon/RuffaloCODY. I won the "Oustanding Non-Donor Service" award! Yay!
After the banquet, I went to sleep at 8 and woke up today at noon, so I had a really huge amount of sleep. Today, I went used book shopping without buying anything and then had work at 6. I tried to also spend some time in the park today, as it was another great day. Tomorrow I'm seeing The History Boys on Broadway, which I'm really excited about, particularly because it got really great reviews pretty much all around.
So, I haven't really presented many (any?) rants in the recent past. During 2004, I was probably one of the most politically frustrated bloggers ever, and up until this school year, I've been a pretty agitated person. That's not to say I'm not still a generally positive, sunny person, but I've always taken really huge issue with everything political and social that I could think of. This school year has really helped me put things into perspective, and I think I've definitely grown as a person because of the diversity of the city and my experiences with so many different people. Anyway, this isn't really a rant per se, but it's probably the closest thing to one that will be on this blog.
Anyway, that being said, I have anxieties about this summer, when I return home for three and a half months. I'm so used to this entirely open environment where I can be totally myself at class, in the dorm, at work. As a rule, I generally don't walk into a room and announce myself as a big ol' proud gay, but I don't have to work to cover it up or feel any kind of tension. Now, returning home, I have my family and a new workplace to adapt to all over again, and I'm starting to sort of stress out. I generally try not to get too personal on this blog, as I don't really generally like the idea of just venting for the world to read, but I guess I feel as if I want to write at least something personal about this year.
Anyway, the first point of reference is my family. Though, since I came almost a year and a half ago, my mom has adapted pretty well in realizing that this isn't something I chose and that I'm still a multi-faceted person with so many different levels and potentials, my dad still remains unaccepting and intolerant. Now, the odds are about 99% that he reads this blog as well, so perhaps he'll take note of what I say, though it's doubtful it would inspire any change. Anyway, I was reading some excerpts from a book today about parents of gay kids, and it reminded me of the fact that I've got to consider the environments that my parents grew up in, where "homosexuality" was barely a word and was such a taboo topic that it was rarely or never discussed. Additionally my dad prescribes to a Christian belief system that (in some cases) looks down upon homosexuality as a sin. Anyway, these issues seem almost insurmountable and are most definitely overwhelming. How can two people so utterly different, a straight Christian man and a young gay atheist, ever find common ground? Anyway, I hold out hope that, as he observes my life and just how normal I am despite our differences, he'll come to be accepting, but it's just such a difficult process. This is probably the primary point of stress about this summer that I can think of. Dating is totally out of the question and honest discussion a no-no. I feel as if he is so judgmental and has such a "not in my backyard" attitude, that he basically calls for a total lack of communication. Eventually, I will be in a nice relationship, and I'll probably, out of fear of some sort of retribution, fear telling him with an extraordinary dread. On top of all that, I have a problem faced by many: a relationship with a parent where you are "seen" and "loved" but not seen and loved. Yes, I'm loved by my father, but am I loved for who I am or who I'm wanted to be. Yes I'm seen, but am I seen as who I am in my totality or am I seen as what is desired to be seen. I just want to be seen and loved not "seen" and "loved," and think that's essentially what any person's life mission is. All of this is certainly not aided by the fact that my father buys into just about every stereotype of a gay man that's out there in our culture, which leads to my constant frustration. Though I can most certainly attest to the fact that many stereotypes of gay people are generally based on at least some level of fact, that doesn't mean that I'm personally destined for a life of endless sex or AIDS. Most everyone who knows me would attest to the fact that I'm just about one of the most subdued people in my age group, certainly opposite to the general trends of those my age. In the end, I'm a human being with so many levels. I'm not simply a gay man, you can't just tag one label on me and be done with it.
(I'm sure that's not really all one paragraph, but finding spots to break up the text would be kind of tedious, being as it was pretty much written in stream-of-consciousness).
Anyway...yeah. That stresses me out, and so does the prospect of my new job. Pennsylvania needs anti-discrimination laws in the workplace, which we currently don't have.
Luckily, I'm not one to be depressed or suicidal. My heart aches and feels for my fellow gay youths who are out there feeling worthless and simply not strong enough to continue their journeys on this earth, but in living my life to its absolute fullest potential, I strive not to be kept down by those who say "don't." In the words of Sondheim, I say "don't" as well, "don't be afraid." We all deserve love, we all deserve understanding. I live my life to become the best self I can be, and, in doing so, to show my truest, fullest self to the world, and say "This is who I am, the best me I can be." Now, I've totally gone Oprah on this blog, but I think it's kind of fitting. Since coming out to my parents and friends, I've become a fuller person. Despite the problems I've had, I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time, and that alone has made me such a better person, and I thank my friends in particular for being there for me and for continuing to be there for me.
I think that's the end of my rant, which was probably overwrought, but oh well -- isn't that what blogs are for?
I'm reminded by two quick musical quotes:
"Hate the way you look at me like you can tell so much about my life, my life
Assassinate so carelessly, so assured, how sweet you twist the knife
Don't you know I'm just a lot like you, I need all the godly things that you do
When you're alone at night, do you run and hide?
Are you strong inside, are you full of pride? Or just petrifed?"
-George O'Dowd (Boy George), Taboo
"Love me, not your idea of me
Release me from your fantasy
Ooh, love me, forget your fear of me
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go, set me free!
Yeah, love me"
-John Guare, Two Gentlemen of Verona
Wow, I almost feel like myself two years ago, quoting songs and ranting about my personal life on an online blog.
Anyway, this weekend will be fun. I'm really hoping to make Sunday a day I spend all day in Central Park reading and just hanging out. That would make me very happy. Next week I'm seeing The Pajama Game on Broadway as well (hopefully).
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